


Drowning

by Zygella



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Before Steven tells the Diamonds who he is, Gen, Heavy Themes, Implied abuse, So much angst, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 19:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18289151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zygella/pseuds/Zygella
Summary: She blamed everyone for the loss of the young one. Go to your rooms, go to the tower, you aren’t being perfect enough. She’d have them starved of light for years at a time, they had to learn! This could never happen again and this was how they would be taught.





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> There might be a second part to this but we'll see, depends on if people want more angst
> 
> THIS ISN'T PART OF DIAMOND VISITS OKAY.
> 
> Song used: EDEN - Drowning

_ I think I lost my mind a while ago _

_ Cos I've been seeing some ghosts _

_ And I'd be lying if I told you I'm fine _

_ But I lie _

 

She didn’t leave her room for eons. There was a good, logical reason for this. But no one knew better than her. She shut herself out to the world, to everyone, to her family. Her family… she lashed out and abused over and over. She blamed everyone for the loss of the young one. Go to your rooms, go to the tower, you aren’t being perfect enough. She’d have them starved of light for years at a time, they had to learn! This could never happen again and this was how they would be taught. Of course, she put upon herself the same punishment. Go to your rooms.  _ Go to your rooms. _

 

_ Yeah, these thoughts I would never speak out loud _

_ I've seen you cry but I've never seen you shout _

_ Like a hurricane, these shots don't ricochet _

_ Sight blurred I'm walkin' dazed, girl I'm fucking faded _

_ Or maybe wasted, I can't remember how it happened _

_ Oh I don't know my limits at all _

_ I'm sinking down into my thoughts _

_ Oh my god _

 

Pearl? Wiped out in an instant. Suffocated by her, drowning, falling apart so much that her physical from cracked under the immense power and weight of the maddened elite. Suffer, suffer, like I do, like they do, you will suffer because I tell you to. They suffer because I make them. They failed her, we failed her, we will suffer. Together? No, perhaps not. 

 

_ But so what if I drank too much _

_ This ain't love, it's just a firefight _

_ And even if it's not enough _

_ I'll say it once I swear I never lied _

_ But this is the last time _

 

She’s seen them scream and cry and break all at once in front of her but she never even flinched. Only broken promises etched upon her lips of no more, mixed with their tears and wails asking for the same thing. No more was a promise only upheld if they stayed perfect, but it was nonsensical. They’d never been perfect to start with. Therefore, it continued. Their screams continued and White never flinched.

 

_ This is the last time _

_ This is the last time _

_ This is the last time _

_ You'll ever bring me down _

_ But Girl you know I'm drownin' _

_ And I keep goin' down _

_ But I'll swear that I'm not, I'm not, I'm not _

 

She knew her words were nothing but lies. As it goes as an abuser. False promises to placate the prey until the next time she took a bite, sometimes right after, sometimes years away. Her nails were like metaphorical teeth, in the sense of what she did with her hands. Her bare hands. Sometimes she’d be kind and simply overpower them, but other times they weren’t so lucky. The teeth would sink into their flesh, their pitiful forms of light that could still feel pain.

 

_ It's friendly fire and sunlight _

_ The aftermath of one too many _

_ Words I said, when I should've said nothing at all _

_ At all _

_ I gotta stop overthinking _

_ And missing _

_ What could have been _

_ You were never even really here _

_ But still we are spinning _

_ Just liars and cheaters _

_ Right back where we started _

_ But it don't get easier _

_ I am drowning _

_ In liquor and apathy _

_ Will be the death of me _

 

She watched how Yellow and Blue grew together yet far apart at the same time as her lessons went on. She knew they shared private moments in between, comforting each other whenever they’d become overwhelmed by her. She’d put a quick stop to these moments when she sent Yellow off with a cracked gem to find Blue, on her knees crawling, shaking, struggling not to fall. If she were to fall, White would have cracked her even more until there was nothing left. The road to perfection was paved with pain and they would learn. 

 

_ But so what if I drank too much _

_ This ain't love, it's just a firefight _

_ And even if it's not enough _

_ I'll say it once I swear I never lied _

_ But this is the last time _

_ This is the last time _

_ This is the last time _

_ This is the last time _

_ You'll ever bring me down _

 

This was for her. For Pink. All for Pink, but then she was still here. And all of what she’d done finally came crashing down onto her, flooring her, bringing her to her own knees as the tiny pink gem brought his final judgement on her. She woke up, for the first time, and then she was drowning. She was drowning in the realization of all she’s done and she’s crawling to the corners of her ship, away from the last people she could call family, because she had no right to call them that. They were staring at her, free of her hold, with something akin to toxic empathy. Their stares burned, burned because she knew she deserved it all and there was no amount of apologies that could make up for all the abuse and violation she’d made them live through. She was awake, but she was drowning. The cycle continued. Not for anyone else, but just for her. Only for her.

 

_ Last time _

_ This is the last time  _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope yall read these with the music playing in the background or at least listen to the song afterwards because it adds so much more to the fic. honestly.
> 
> join the discooooooord: https://discord.gg/9pSaABF


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